Louis CK Live at the Beacon

Hi errbody, we're coming back after a "finding real-people employment period." Welcome, and I hope you'll stay with us as we expand and diversify into other countries.


If you know Louis CK, you know that there's no way for me to properly describe how imperfectly evolved he is. If I had to put it in one sentence, he's a moralizing masturbatory sweaty guy who hates everybody in an abstract, absurd way and yet comes off fully genuine in a social commentary that reflects a deep hope for humanity or at least his children. And that sentence doesn't even scratch the surface of who he really is. It's hard not to relate to the guy in a way that my shitty writing won't capture, so I'll stop my commentary and just give you a quick snippet of the standup.

"People get angry at environmentalists because they think they're slowing down the economy and creating restrictions. And a lot of these people are Christian, a lot of these people are very devout Christians.

That's such a confusing thing to me, because you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created the Earth for you. Why would you not have to look after it? Why would you not think that, when he came back, he'd go 'What the fuck did you do? I gave this to you motherfucker, are you crazy? The polar bears are brown, what'd you do?! What'd you do to the polar bears, did you shit all over every polar bear? Who spilled this shit? Come over here, did you spill this? What is that?

(sniveling idiot voice) 'It's oil, it's just some oil. I didn't mean to spill it'


'Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?

'Cause I wanted to go faster, it's not fast enough, and it was cold'


'What the fuck do you mean it's cold? I gave you everything you needed you piece of shit.'

'Well cause jobs, I wanted a job'


'What is a job? Explain to me, what's a fucking job?'

'You work at a place and people call when their game doesn't work and you help them figure it out'


'What do you that for?'

'For money'


'What do you need MONEY for?'

'For food'

'Just eat the shit on the floor, I left shit all over the floor, fucking corn and wheat and shit, ground it up make some bread what are you doing?'

'Yeah but it doesn't have bacon on it, I like when it has like bacon on it'"

Liveblogging Whitney 1.06

Just so we all know, Hulu describes Whitney as a "hilarious look at modern day love." Never mind the patently false assertion and incorrect nonhyphenation of 'modern-day' (although making up words lends me no credibility), we really need to get a closer look at this show. A traditionally unfunny comedy that somehow gets ratings, Whitney is living proof that any show can debut after The Office. Now we just need to get Community into that slot, and Whitney into a meat grinder.*

Since that's not happening anytime soon, I figured I'd just do an all-out teardown in liveblog format. I'll expose the parts that aren't funny, and the other parts that aren't funny. Then, with all our questions answered, we will never leave NBC on after 9:31 PM, and this issue will slowly fade away.

00:13: Already! Thirteen seconds in and they're throwing out awful attempts at physical humor. Men do not watch hockey by standing up then sitting down then standing up, we yell and throw things and break television sets. I don't try to write in the female voice, I'd appreciate if Whitney didn't attempt male humor.

00:22: "This place is bad luck (laughter)." Yes, men get superstitious about their sports teams. No, that was not a funny line. There's no way in hell this show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

00:57-01:18: "Recycling is a scam, also I'm a dumb idiot." I only made up one of those lines.

01:32: Oh man, the boyfriend whose real name I won't bother to look up doesn't care about sewer people. He's so cool in the face of stupid friends, he makes jokes about it. Cooldude boyfriend just has such magnetism to him.

01:51: "Bad news, I have crabs," C'mon Whitney, you could at least self-aggrandize and save all the good lines for yourself. Wait a minute: that's impossible if there AREN'T any good lines! Eureka!

03:13: "Was he talking about actual Selena, or Jennifer Lopez as Selena?" I happen to not know who this 'Selena' is, but I'll assume the joke missed anyway.

03:25: Oh no, it's a bro-breakup! We're no longer bros, bro. We're not gonna bro around, do any bro-tastic hockey things, or share our deepest darkest bro-dom with each other anymore. Take all your crap and leave me alone!

Is this show only targeting the "single-out-of-necessity 24-35 female" demo?

03:48-04:45 : My question is answered with a resounding "Yes." The girl round-table is a staple of the demographic, as is the one guy who gets everything and is so sensitive. Whitney was probably thinking, "Hey men: us ladies can't understand the stupid things you're interested in, because we're only used to sitting around and having brunch or sipping from mugs." Wasn't she supposed to be edgy? Greg Giraldo is rolling around in his grave.

05:04: The stupid police officer just showed up to state his case in the bro-battle, and I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. We've seen all the characters, we've given you 2.5 scenes, we're done here Whitney. I made it through five minutes, and can only wonder two things: how strong is The Office's viewership, and how do they recruit people to sit in the audience? Hopefully they aren't abusing Hitler-lookalikes or other dictator-impersonators off-camera and wasting the good material there. Goodnight Whitney, forever.

*This week's 'Roast' format was brought to you by the letter F. F, for fun! Please feed our fish on the way out.

Bars and Twitter Handles: How to Make It in America

Along with creative director Jeremy Wolf, I wrote a more nuanced takedown of HtMIiA for Handlebar Magazine. The intro and link:


"UNEXPECTEDLY, How to Make It in America has jumped the shark in its second season—and by a good distance. The show, once a genuinely charming account of two young guys trying to bootstrap themselves up in the unforgiving New York City fashion scene, has digressed and devolved into a half-baked, small-scale Entourageknockoff. It’s a shame, really, because this was (and perhaps still is) a concept teeming with potential; it could have been a genuinely entertaining series about the blood, sweat, and tears poured out in putting together a small business. Instead, it’s become a show about the trappings surrounding success, and not the infinitely more interesting road taken to get there."


Catch the rest HERE!

HIMYM 7.08

You'd rather watch this slutty pumpkin, right?

I'm pretty sure this week's How I Met Your Mother episode, with the return of the Slutty Pumpkin, perfectly explains the decline of the show: the lead can't carry the show, despite the best efforts of his supporting quartet. Our main storyline has Ted reunited with the Slutty Pumpkin, A.K.A. Katie Holmes. The two of them find themselves trying to make their long-awaited reunion work to no avail. Eventually, Pumpkin is forced to admit that she doesn't think it'll work, mainly because Ted is a fun-vampire. It's amazing how little I care about how Ted meets his kids' mother. Whatever quantity that is only diminishes when they bring back Hippie Younger Ted, and it asymptotically approaches zero each time he uses the word 'boink'. As JFK said, "Just get it over with."*



*Quote based on hearsay.


The B- and C-plots were of course better that Ted's, with Barney finding out about his heritage and Lilly being gifted her grandparents' house. Through some investigation by the career-driven Robin (putting those journalism skills to work!), we learn that Barney is a quarter Canadian. Robin tries to use this information to blackmail him into dressing as a Mountie for Halloween, but Barney chooses to be awesome rather than come to grips with reality. Besides Barney's Real American moment, Lilly's baby hormones suddenly have her wanting to move to the suburbs. Of coure, hormones = women are crazy = she doesn't know what she wants. Thanks 14th century psychology. Still, Alyson Hannigan's silliness is her best quality, and when you combine that with Jason Segel's similar talents, we all swoon.

So here's our major problem: Ted isn't worth watching**, everyone else is. Since this show is focused on an eventual end (provided they actually intend to get there), it hurts that we're waiting for Josh Radnor to get to that end instead of Segel or NPH. The plot isn't going anywhere, and the sad part is that the show can't make any changes to the current "stall and enjoy our ratings" approach it's been taking. Robin still needs to find someone, sure, but it seems Barney, Lilly, and Marshall are all headed in predictable directions. This brings us back to Ted, and, well, I don't care about him anymore. HIMYM may have held on a season too long.

**It doesn't help when the main love interests are completely uninteresting, I guess the casting squad was emotionally crippled after Stella left them at the altar.

Some other stuff:

-Was Kal Penn was on the show only to plug the new Harold and Kumar, or am I crazy? Not that those options are mutually exclusive.

-The Katie Holmes cameo: it must have been extremely easy to play that role. I mean, SHE'S MARRIED TO TOM CRUISE, so this was just Katie recreating her life at home. Even the lines they wrote for her seemed genuine: "We are terrible together," "I've been trying but it just won't work." Poor Katie Holmes.

-I get that television is to some degree a form of wish fulfillment, but it's weird that they don't even try to establish a rapport between Ted and his ladies anymore. They're always more attractive than he is, his characteristically lame pickup attempts aren't even endearing anymore, and.. fine you get it, I don't like him.

-Canada gimmicks always work for HIMYM, and it was nice to see Robin get the upper hand in the "who can dig the most dirt" battle. Miss Smulders is often quite, uh, smoldering, but she actually has some comedic timing now. I'm a big fan of the chemistry that everyone besides Mosby seems to have.

-NPH as a mountie was not funny. NPH as a topless American hero was not funny. Nuanced Barney is the best Barney.

Quick "I kind of watched 2 Broke Girls" postscript: Kat Denning has her show creator's talent for shouting lines. What the hell happened to you? They did pick well with the old black man over Ranjit as "non-white who drops culturally appropriate one-liners." CBS cares... about catering to white people.

How To Make It In America 2.05

A short recap 'n thoughts, right here:

-This week's angst is brought to you by Nine Inch Nails Whisky... drink to the man you know you can never be: Crisp needs to sell to someone. But they have to convince some beautiful midwestern chicks to buy their stuff. How are you supposed to focus on selling t-shirts when these women keep sticking their sex-appeal in the audience, I mean, Cam and Ben's faces?. Also, going to parties is really hard when you have to deal with the presence of the guy who is piping your ex-girlfriend. Give it up for the boys though: they continue to put in maximal effort, and it has just now begun to pay off! All about that grind, as they say.

-Whoever 'they' are, they need to shut the fuck up.

Always Sunny 7.07

Stolen from Handlebar Magazine entertainment write-up:

If you're a fan of 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,' you remember a few specific episodes.  You remember 'The Night Man Cometh,' an off-the-wall theatrical production that plays out Charlie's deep-seated homosexual issues.You remember Mac and Dennis trying to make the Philadelphia Eagles while Frank trips on LSD in 'The Gang Gets Invincible.' You remember 'The D.E.N.N.I.S. System,' 'Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person,' and other episodes that executed the awkwardly incorrect humor and eventual screaming matches that drew you to 'Always Sunny' in the first place.

If this all sounds correct, then you're going to remember this week's episode for a long, long time. In Thursday's seminal episode 'CharDee McDennis: The Game of Games,' the gang brandish every weapon in their arsenal. The Paddy's crew invented their own game long ago, a game involving *gasp* drinking and *whoa* incorrect answers to subjective questions. It also incorporates 'Always Sunny's' best gimmick: pitting the conniving Reynolds siblings against the basically retarded duo of Mac and Charlie. The latter team has never prevailed in this battle of wits and stomach capacities, mainly because Dee and Dennis cheat in every possible way: They fill their liquor glasses with colored water, they lie to win questions, and, worst of all, they stick Frank on the opposing team.

Frank understandably doesn't comprehend the flow of the game. He doesn't get how it starts as a classy affair involving four-fingered wine glass holding, how it quickly devolves as everyone shouts in each other's faces, and how the winners get to destroy the opposing team's avatars (Due to Mac and Charlie's career-long oh-fer, their avatars are quite smashed up). But Frank does understand how to manipulate rules, and so after reading the rule book while being locked in a dog kennel, a situation that explaining fully would put me way over my word limit, he finds out that if the time expires (Oh yeah, forgot to mention there's a timer), they have to draw the black card. And so, after hours of excessive drinking and cruel verbal warfare, it comes down to the black card, which says that they have to... flip a coin to decide the winner. If this sort of lazy plot resolution isn't familiar, you don't love 'Always Sunny.' And if you don't love 'Always Sunny,' you wouldn't anticipate the cut to a shot of Dee and Dennis mercilessly breaking their opponents' avatars to end the episode. But I do love 'Always Sunny,' and this episode reminded me why. 

October 27: Mondo Thursday Recap, Halloween Themed

CPT is back everyone. Sorry we've taken so long with our posts, but we've been arguing about the show Whitney for literally a month. One of us say it's good, the other one great, and the other groundbreaking. You could definitely make an argument for any of these, but it's important to remember that even when a show like Whitney is on TV, there are still lesser but ambitious comedies on as well, like Community or Parks and Recreation. Listen, they're not perfect shows, but God knows they try, and, who knows, if they take notes, they could learn a thing or two from Whitney. Oh yeah, and Halloween. Without further ado, here's the Halloween-themed NBC Thursday line-up, the Project Runway finale, and the return of Beavis and Butt-head.

Community 3.05 Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps

Minority Abed and Troy in Pierce's story

The Return

We'll have new posts going up this fine evening, but in case you hadn't heard, Arrested Development is coming back for a brief TV swing before filming the long-anticipated movie. We're hearing it'll probably be a ten episode season that sets up the film, beginning supposedly in the summer of 2013. In honor of the long awaited return, a set of related links:

Important political action taken: http://i.imgur.com/lButB.jpg

Interview with the A.D. panel at New Yorkerfest: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/festival/2011/10/ten-things-you-didnt-know-about-arrested-development.html

Funny Or Die's great screencap compilation: http://www.funnyordie.com/slideshows/aee464b448/the-funniest-arrested-development-screencaps

The best gif tumblr out there: http://arresteddevelopmentgifs.tumblr.com/

Rejoice!

Weekly Bad TV Round-Up 9/25 - 10/2

This season, television has a lot to offer in terms of bad shows. It’s fun to watch, but there’s too much to keep up with (and besides, the human brain can only watch so much Jersey Shore and shows full of jokes culled from anonymous comedy writers’ bags before… um, I’ll think of it later). This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive survey by any means. A lot of shows slipped through the cracks because they weren’t worth sitting through just to watch Buffy speak to her twin or hear Ted whine about girls. Also, the list will change each week depending on what CPT’s brave enough to sit through or stupid enough to write about. The round-up is simply skeet-shooting a few bad shows into blog oblivion while the rest of them thud onto the network floor.

Two and a Half Men 9.02

2 Broke Girls 1.02

Happy Endings 2.01

Whitney 1.02

Jersey Shore 4.09

Here we go:

Fringe 4.01: "Neither Here Nor There"

Where's Peter? After last season's explosive finale, it's on everyone's minds.

To be fair, there's a lot on everyone's mind these days, what with the melding of alternate universes and such. But apparently Fringe didn't want to jump right into that at the moment, so we only get the snide remarks of Fauxlivia at the beginning of the episode. A single frame shot of Peter Bishop appears on the screen, and Boss Observer tells Friendly Observer that he needs to completely eradicate Peter from everyone's memories. Then we jump right into a typical episode. I WANTED ANSWERS THOUGH (residual Lost pain).