Liveblogging Whitney 1.06

Just so we all know, Hulu describes Whitney as a "hilarious look at modern day love." Never mind the patently false assertion and incorrect nonhyphenation of 'modern-day' (although making up words lends me no credibility), we really need to get a closer look at this show. A traditionally unfunny comedy that somehow gets ratings, Whitney is living proof that any show can debut after The Office. Now we just need to get Community into that slot, and Whitney into a meat grinder.*

Since that's not happening anytime soon, I figured I'd just do an all-out teardown in liveblog format. I'll expose the parts that aren't funny, and the other parts that aren't funny. Then, with all our questions answered, we will never leave NBC on after 9:31 PM, and this issue will slowly fade away.

00:13: Already! Thirteen seconds in and they're throwing out awful attempts at physical humor. Men do not watch hockey by standing up then sitting down then standing up, we yell and throw things and break television sets. I don't try to write in the female voice, I'd appreciate if Whitney didn't attempt male humor.

00:22: "This place is bad luck (laughter)." Yes, men get superstitious about their sports teams. No, that was not a funny line. There's no way in hell this show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

00:57-01:18: "Recycling is a scam, also I'm a dumb idiot." I only made up one of those lines.

01:32: Oh man, the boyfriend whose real name I won't bother to look up doesn't care about sewer people. He's so cool in the face of stupid friends, he makes jokes about it. Cooldude boyfriend just has such magnetism to him.

01:51: "Bad news, I have crabs," C'mon Whitney, you could at least self-aggrandize and save all the good lines for yourself. Wait a minute: that's impossible if there AREN'T any good lines! Eureka!

03:13: "Was he talking about actual Selena, or Jennifer Lopez as Selena?" I happen to not know who this 'Selena' is, but I'll assume the joke missed anyway.

03:25: Oh no, it's a bro-breakup! We're no longer bros, bro. We're not gonna bro around, do any bro-tastic hockey things, or share our deepest darkest bro-dom with each other anymore. Take all your crap and leave me alone!

Is this show only targeting the "single-out-of-necessity 24-35 female" demo?

03:48-04:45 : My question is answered with a resounding "Yes." The girl round-table is a staple of the demographic, as is the one guy who gets everything and is so sensitive. Whitney was probably thinking, "Hey men: us ladies can't understand the stupid things you're interested in, because we're only used to sitting around and having brunch or sipping from mugs." Wasn't she supposed to be edgy? Greg Giraldo is rolling around in his grave.

05:04: The stupid police officer just showed up to state his case in the bro-battle, and I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. We've seen all the characters, we've given you 2.5 scenes, we're done here Whitney. I made it through five minutes, and can only wonder two things: how strong is The Office's viewership, and how do they recruit people to sit in the audience? Hopefully they aren't abusing Hitler-lookalikes or other dictator-impersonators off-camera and wasting the good material there. Goodnight Whitney, forever.

*This week's 'Roast' format was brought to you by the letter F. F, for fun! Please feed our fish on the way out.