Liveblogging Whitney 1.06

Just so we all know, Hulu describes Whitney as a "hilarious look at modern day love." Never mind the patently false assertion and incorrect nonhyphenation of 'modern-day' (although making up words lends me no credibility), we really need to get a closer look at this show. A traditionally unfunny comedy that somehow gets ratings, Whitney is living proof that any show can debut after The Office. Now we just need to get Community into that slot, and Whitney into a meat grinder.*

Since that's not happening anytime soon, I figured I'd just do an all-out teardown in liveblog format. I'll expose the parts that aren't funny, and the other parts that aren't funny. Then, with all our questions answered, we will never leave NBC on after 9:31 PM, and this issue will slowly fade away.

00:13: Already! Thirteen seconds in and they're throwing out awful attempts at physical humor. Men do not watch hockey by standing up then sitting down then standing up, we yell and throw things and break television sets. I don't try to write in the female voice, I'd appreciate if Whitney didn't attempt male humor.

00:22: "This place is bad luck (laughter)." Yes, men get superstitious about their sports teams. No, that was not a funny line. There's no way in hell this show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

00:57-01:18: "Recycling is a scam, also I'm a dumb idiot." I only made up one of those lines.

01:32: Oh man, the boyfriend whose real name I won't bother to look up doesn't care about sewer people. He's so cool in the face of stupid friends, he makes jokes about it. Cooldude boyfriend just has such magnetism to him.

01:51: "Bad news, I have crabs," C'mon Whitney, you could at least self-aggrandize and save all the good lines for yourself. Wait a minute: that's impossible if there AREN'T any good lines! Eureka!

03:13: "Was he talking about actual Selena, or Jennifer Lopez as Selena?" I happen to not know who this 'Selena' is, but I'll assume the joke missed anyway.

03:25: Oh no, it's a bro-breakup! We're no longer bros, bro. We're not gonna bro around, do any bro-tastic hockey things, or share our deepest darkest bro-dom with each other anymore. Take all your crap and leave me alone!

Is this show only targeting the "single-out-of-necessity 24-35 female" demo?

03:48-04:45 : My question is answered with a resounding "Yes." The girl round-table is a staple of the demographic, as is the one guy who gets everything and is so sensitive. Whitney was probably thinking, "Hey men: us ladies can't understand the stupid things you're interested in, because we're only used to sitting around and having brunch or sipping from mugs." Wasn't she supposed to be edgy? Greg Giraldo is rolling around in his grave.

05:04: The stupid police officer just showed up to state his case in the bro-battle, and I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. We've seen all the characters, we've given you 2.5 scenes, we're done here Whitney. I made it through five minutes, and can only wonder two things: how strong is The Office's viewership, and how do they recruit people to sit in the audience? Hopefully they aren't abusing Hitler-lookalikes or other dictator-impersonators off-camera and wasting the good material there. Goodnight Whitney, forever.

*This week's 'Roast' format was brought to you by the letter F. F, for fun! Please feed our fish on the way out.

Bars and Twitter Handles: How to Make It in America

Along with creative director Jeremy Wolf, I wrote a more nuanced takedown of HtMIiA for Handlebar Magazine. The intro and link:


"UNEXPECTEDLY, How to Make It in America has jumped the shark in its second season—and by a good distance. The show, once a genuinely charming account of two young guys trying to bootstrap themselves up in the unforgiving New York City fashion scene, has digressed and devolved into a half-baked, small-scale Entourageknockoff. It’s a shame, really, because this was (and perhaps still is) a concept teeming with potential; it could have been a genuinely entertaining series about the blood, sweat, and tears poured out in putting together a small business. Instead, it’s become a show about the trappings surrounding success, and not the infinitely more interesting road taken to get there."


Catch the rest HERE!

HIMYM 7.08

You'd rather watch this slutty pumpkin, right?

I'm pretty sure this week's How I Met Your Mother episode, with the return of the Slutty Pumpkin, perfectly explains the decline of the show: the lead can't carry the show, despite the best efforts of his supporting quartet. Our main storyline has Ted reunited with the Slutty Pumpkin, A.K.A. Katie Holmes. The two of them find themselves trying to make their long-awaited reunion work to no avail. Eventually, Pumpkin is forced to admit that she doesn't think it'll work, mainly because Ted is a fun-vampire. It's amazing how little I care about how Ted meets his kids' mother. Whatever quantity that is only diminishes when they bring back Hippie Younger Ted, and it asymptotically approaches zero each time he uses the word 'boink'. As JFK said, "Just get it over with."*



*Quote based on hearsay.


The B- and C-plots were of course better that Ted's, with Barney finding out about his heritage and Lilly being gifted her grandparents' house. Through some investigation by the career-driven Robin (putting those journalism skills to work!), we learn that Barney is a quarter Canadian. Robin tries to use this information to blackmail him into dressing as a Mountie for Halloween, but Barney chooses to be awesome rather than come to grips with reality. Besides Barney's Real American moment, Lilly's baby hormones suddenly have her wanting to move to the suburbs. Of coure, hormones = women are crazy = she doesn't know what she wants. Thanks 14th century psychology. Still, Alyson Hannigan's silliness is her best quality, and when you combine that with Jason Segel's similar talents, we all swoon.

So here's our major problem: Ted isn't worth watching**, everyone else is. Since this show is focused on an eventual end (provided they actually intend to get there), it hurts that we're waiting for Josh Radnor to get to that end instead of Segel or NPH. The plot isn't going anywhere, and the sad part is that the show can't make any changes to the current "stall and enjoy our ratings" approach it's been taking. Robin still needs to find someone, sure, but it seems Barney, Lilly, and Marshall are all headed in predictable directions. This brings us back to Ted, and, well, I don't care about him anymore. HIMYM may have held on a season too long.

**It doesn't help when the main love interests are completely uninteresting, I guess the casting squad was emotionally crippled after Stella left them at the altar.

Some other stuff:

-Was Kal Penn was on the show only to plug the new Harold and Kumar, or am I crazy? Not that those options are mutually exclusive.

-The Katie Holmes cameo: it must have been extremely easy to play that role. I mean, SHE'S MARRIED TO TOM CRUISE, so this was just Katie recreating her life at home. Even the lines they wrote for her seemed genuine: "We are terrible together," "I've been trying but it just won't work." Poor Katie Holmes.

-I get that television is to some degree a form of wish fulfillment, but it's weird that they don't even try to establish a rapport between Ted and his ladies anymore. They're always more attractive than he is, his characteristically lame pickup attempts aren't even endearing anymore, and.. fine you get it, I don't like him.

-Canada gimmicks always work for HIMYM, and it was nice to see Robin get the upper hand in the "who can dig the most dirt" battle. Miss Smulders is often quite, uh, smoldering, but she actually has some comedic timing now. I'm a big fan of the chemistry that everyone besides Mosby seems to have.

-NPH as a mountie was not funny. NPH as a topless American hero was not funny. Nuanced Barney is the best Barney.

Quick "I kind of watched 2 Broke Girls" postscript: Kat Denning has her show creator's talent for shouting lines. What the hell happened to you? They did pick well with the old black man over Ranjit as "non-white who drops culturally appropriate one-liners." CBS cares... about catering to white people.